Mrs Cullen
by Nasuada9
Summary: As Bella prepares to become Mrs Cullen, Jacob sinks into depression. Meanwhile, what does Edward think of it all? DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight. All reviews are welcome.
1. Bella

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. That's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's just...I don't know, sometimes I feel like we're rushing this too much. I'm eighteen years old, for crying out loud. I don't want to be his wife right now; maybe in ten years or so but for now I'm happy just being Bella Swan. He doesn't understand, though. And why should he? He's been waiting for this moment for almost ninety years. To be married; to have a wife; someone to call his own. But that's not me; it's never been me.

They say you have to make sacrifices in love but why does my sacrifice have to be so very big. Why can't he just accept that we want different things? Or in actual fact, why can't he realise that I want the same thing as he does-to be together forever. I just don't want to marry him right at this moment. Marriage is a huge deal and to be honest, although I love Edward with all my heart (or almost all of it anyway), I don't know him that well. I would like a chance to get to know him better before I marry him but maybe I'm being ridiculous. I've already promised myself to him forever so what difference will a piece of paper make.

I really have to stop lying to myself. Of course I want to marry Edward; I just don't want the "big white wedding" thing. That's the real crux of the matter; I hate being put on show and having people watch me make a fool of myself. It's superficial, sure, but it's the truth. And he's Edward Cullen whereas I'm plain little Bella Swan. That's another thing; he's perfect and I'm not. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I know what people think when they see us together: what's that handsome young man doing with that unattractive little nobody? I wish everyday that I looked like Rosalie or even Alice but I don't. I look like me: stupid brown curls and stupid brown eyes and stupid full lips. On the other hand, Edward is all perfect bronze locks and perfect butterscotch eyes and perfect crooked grin and perfect toned body. See what I mean about perfect; it practically oozes out of him.

To this day, I still have no idea what he's doing with me but there you go. They say that love is blind. Well, Edward is most definitely blind when it comes to me. Or maybe I simply intrigue him, you know, with the whole "can't read my mind" thing. This is stupid; I'm supposed to be preparing for my wedding; I'm supposed to be getting ready to marry the man I love and instead I'm sitting here wondering why he loves me. He loves me because I'm me and to him I'm perfect. That's what he says and I believe him. Whatever problems I have with myself are up to me to fix. I can't keep pushing all of my insecurities (that I had way before meeting Edward may I add) onto Edward; it's not fair. And it's stupid. And idiotic. And I'm not going to do it anymore because it makes me sad when I'm supposed to be happy. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. And it isn't _because_ of me.

I wish Jake would call me; I just want to hear the sound of his voice. Is that too much to ask? I really have got to stop thinking about Jake. I'm writing an entry in my diary about Edward and suddenly I veer off to mope about Jake and the fact that he hasn't called me. I suppose I know why that is though. I never really came to terms with my feelings for Jacob Black because at the end of the day I love him too and that's not going to change.

He and I have a bond that I've never experienced with anyone else; not even Edward. He's more than a best friend; he's my soul mate. That might sound really corny but it's true. Edward Cullen is the love of my life and Jacob Black is my soul mate.

He'll never forgive me though. Jake, I mean. I broke his heart when I went back to Edward, I pulled it out of his chest when I agreed to marry Edward and I stepped all over it when I told him I loved him but that it didn't change anything. I loved Edward more. What I did was awful and there's a part of me that does wish I had chosen Jacob but, I guess, if there wasn't then I never really loved him at all.

I miss him but I can't tell Edward that. Although I think he knows. He understands or he thinks he does anyway. He's not jealous though, I don't think. I think he understands that I love Jake but he probably doesn't understand how much I love him. He would be angry if he did; I know I would be if I were him.

Oh Jake, where are you? You would be the one keeping me calm right about now and telling me not to be such an idiot. I'm just scared, that's what he'd say, and that the fear will go the moment I see Edward at the end of that aisle. Jake's very smart, you know, and mature too. He's perceptive in a way that you would never imagine on a sixteen year old boy. He's special; very, very special. I wish he'd come to the wedding but I can't expect him to. I wouldn't want to see the person I loved marrying someone else. It would be my idea of hell on earth but I sent him an invite all the same. So _he_ can make the decision. I really hate those people who say "I'm having a party but you don't have to come", for some totally false reason; it's really just a person's way of saying "I'm having a party but I don't want you to come" in a really underhand way.

I sent the invite because I _want_ him there; I _need _him there. But I can't force him to come; no-one can. And, anyway, no-one knows where he is, not even Billy. It's heartbreaking to know that he left because if me; that I hurt him so much he felt he had no other choice but to leave his home, his family, his brothers. And that breaks my heart. To know that I hurt him in that way is soul destroying. You read books about girls who do that; fall in love with two people and have to choose and you think when you're reading it "oh my god, what an absolute bitch", and then it happens in real life. It's not so easy then but it doesn't stop the girl being an absolute bitch.


	2. Edward

I'm a little nervous, I will admit. Not about the actual day but about every day after it. I never in my wildest imagination thought I would find Bella. She is the woman I have been waiting for; I have waited almost ninety years for her. And she is everything I hoped she would be albeit a little reluctant to become my wife.

She is modern and I am not. That's the real problem. I'm very traditional whereas she is very innovative. I want to get married and she does not but she will do it. We all have to make sacrifices in love. I have been, however, slightly dishonest. I have led Bella to believe I will turn her sometime after our wedding; sometime in the not too distant future.

I know it is her wish but I cannot go through with it quite yet; she has absolutely no idea what she will be giving up to become like me. Her soul, for one. I do not want to make my beautiful Bella a monster but I am afraid that that is exactly what she will become upon her transformation. For that is what we are; we cannot change that no matter how much we want to. And none of us had any other choice; we didn't make the decision to become this way. Carlisle did us a kindness, of course, and I will always be grateful to him for that. However, resentment is an easy emotion to master. I resent Carlisle for changing me but I don't hate him. I resent Carlisle for taking my soul; my humanity and yet I love him like a father. It's a complicated relationship that a vampire shares with the one who sired him. We form a bond; a bond that will never be broken but there is always the chance that the creation may turn on his master. I'm glad none of us ever have; I don't need any more reasons to think of myself in a negative light.

And, so you see, why I do not wish to bring any of this upon Bella. I suppose I am being selfish too, in a way, I couldn't bear Bella to resent me for what I had done to her even if it was her wish. It would still be my fault as I was the one who had completed the action. I can't help but think sometimes that it would have been better if I had just stayed away from Bella. She wouldn't, then, feel the need to throw her humanity away so recklessly. There were many reasons, however, that kept me away from Bella in the beginning.

The first of which was that I did not want to cause her any harm and I knew from the moment I met her (or smelt her, I should say) that she was my "singer"-the one human whose blood smells so absolutely mouth-watering it is impossible to resist. Every vampire has a "singer"; most, however, do not fall in love with theirs and decide to marry them.

The second reason for me keeping my distance from Bella was a much more personal reason; a reason I feel comfortable sharing only with you. I did not feel as though I deserved to be loved. Not just to be loved but to fall in love. I'm a monster; what right do I have to love? That's what I thought. But Bella has shown me otherwise; she has taught me that everyone deserves to be loved no matter who or what they are. I don't always believe that but I know somewhere deep down, that it is very true. That's a trait Bella possesses; she is very understanding and wise for one so young. That is something I treasure very much in her; she has a maturity that belies her age. It is refreshing to find a girl so mature and level-headed.

And one so beautiful too. I can never understand what Bella sees when she looks in the mirror. All I know is that she must possess a very skewed vision of herself because she is truly stunning. Those beautiful brown curls that frame a heart-shaped face; beautiful chocolate brown eyes and luscious full lips. She is just breathtaking to behold, I assure you of that, journal. However, I promise not to go off on a tangent like that again as I could waste a lot of paper if I starting discussing Bella's immense beauty in any great detail.

I, unfortunately, am not the only one who admires Bella's beauty. Jacob Black does also and what is worse Bella cares for him in return. I have decided to be the bigger man about it all though. I will not be petty or jealous. Bella has chosen me and for that I am eternally grateful.


	3. Jacob

She's marrying him. Bella Swan is marrying a leech. She doesn't understand the way I feel about her; not really. She told me she loved me and then proceeded to tell me it didn't matter. But it does, it matters to me. I wish I'd imprinted on her sometimes because then she'd find it harder to resist me and I'd fight harder to win her heart. But it's stupid to wish that. I don't want to be forced to fall in love with someone; to be constantly told by my body that what I'm doing is right; that it has value. Because it doesn't. Look at Sam and Leah. Sam loves Leah; he just doesn't realise it anymore and he never will because he's blinded by his affection for Emily. Leah's a wreck because of what they did to her; I know she's a bitch now but she didn't deserve what they did and, anyway, she used to be nice. Sam _thinks_ he loves Emily; Jared _thinks _he loves Kim; Paul _thinks _he loves Rachel. Actually, scratch that last. Paul better love Rachel because if he doesn't I'm going to kill him. More than I already want to. Paul Lahote. The bane of my existence; comes into _my _house and eats _my _food and sleeps in _my _bed. Is it any wonder I ran away to Canada? I can't even sleep in my own house anymore.

But, you know what, he makes Rachel happy and she deserves to be happy. She's been so sad for so long. Rebecca never had the same problem but that's probably because after mom died Becky dedicated her life to fun. She's always been reckless and rebellious and irresponsible but after we lost mom she got even more so. Rachel's the exact opposite; they're identical on the outside but inside they're polar opposites. Rachel is kind and caring and responsible and sensible and patient and understanding and nice whereas Rebecca's flirty and fun and bubbly and air-headed and intolerant and insensitive. I'm glad it was Rachel who came home; she's more like mom and she's more like_ a_ mom to me. I had only just turned nine when my mom died; I didn't really understand what was happening but Rachel stepped up to the plate even though she wasn't quite thirteen at the time.

Becky is useless; always was. She was useful to the guys though; she jumped through hoops for them but when it came to her own family she didn't give a damn. She just left everything to Rachel; she always did. When they left to go to college I never missed Becky but I missed Rachel so much. I cried myself to sleep for a long time after she left. It was like losing mom all over again. I remember once we had been invited over to the Clearwaters' for dinner and Sam and Leah had just broken up. I overheard Leah and Sue talking in the kitchen and Leah told her that she had begged Rachel to come home (they're best friends you see) and Rachel wouldn't. She said she couldn't leave Rebecca. I can just imagine her saying that; sweet dependable Rachel who tried to accommodate to everyone. Rebecca wasn't so kind. A year later she married Solomon and moved to Hawaii and left Rachel alone. Bloody typical. Rebecca was a lot more like Billy than she would ever care to admit.

When Rachel came back she was different. I mean, she was still caring and understanding and everything but she was also feisty and unafraid to speak her opinion. Rebecca Black's mousy little twin had finally grown a back-bone. I was proud, I will admit and I wasn't really surprised when Rachel and Paul got together. Without meaning to sound weird, my sister is really pretty and I think Paul would have a hard time resisting her, imprint or no imprint. I was angry though, if I'm honest. I just couldn't help but think, "Why does he get to be happy and I don't?"

I was there for Bella when her precious Cullen wasn't; when he had so cruelly dumped her and fled town. Jerk. I hate him a lot more for that than because of what he is. But believe me, I have no love for leeches; none at all. That's why I left home; the invitation to their wedding: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen and Isabella Marie Swan. _My_ Isabella. Marrying _him._ My heart actually hurts when I think of it and I get so angry I'm scared of what I might do; of who I might hurt. I couldn't bear to hurt Rachel or Billy. They're all I have left and I have to protect them at all costs. This just happens to be my way of doing that. Sometimes I think about what would have happened had Bella chosen me. My mind goes blank because even though I love her and I know she loves me back, I also know she belongs with him.


End file.
